i feel so sorry.

sorry that i can't be there. sorry that she has to do all of it and be so tired. sorry that i can't help relieve that burden. sorry that i'm actually even adding on to her burden. sorry that i can't look after them. sorry that i'm still so willful and insistent on doing exactly what i want for the next two years at least. sorry i can't help her cook and pray. sorry i can't spend time with them everyday and see them smile and laugh. sorry that they both feel that they're living with a ticking time bomb inside of them, and even though they want to spend time with me, i'm not there.

and despite all those sorrys, they still love me the most.

sometimes i just feel so overwhelmed with apologies. its not helping that its chinese new year and i wish i was by by their sides.

so for this new chinese year, all i want to be is thankful and appreciative of what i had, and what i still have.